All I Have is the Current Thought

Q: I am writing to take you up on your offer to help in answering the questions you suggest.

I'm not sure where to start, though. Each time that I have asked myself what it is that I want, I've come up with a different answer, and yet when I plumb the answer, I find myself either ending up with thought looping back on itself or at a dead end such as “why is a good feeling better than a bad feeling,” to which the only answer I can come up with is that it's another thought – labeling thought, if you will.

I notice an enormous resistance to questioning these things, which I experience as angst and a sense of unease coupled with an intense urge to get up and do something else. It would be much easier to sit and play computer games than to tackle this stuff. And yet when I look at it I find it's again just a labeling thought that makes it seem unpleasant and the feelings then go away. But just to get to look at it in the first place seems to require some effort and discipline. I'm guessing that this is part of the fear and built-in resistance that you mention.

In trying to answer these questions, there is something that I have noticed, though, and it is that all I ever have is the current thought. So when I say that thought loops back on itself or is circular, I don't actually know that. To say I had this or that thought is now in itself just another thought. Thus there appears to be a dynamic fluidity here that I (little me) could never possibly hope to keep up with.

Continuing with this line, to say that “my attention wandered” or that “I drifted into thought” is also now just a thought. So perhaps the attention has never actually wandered at all, and it's just the current thought that gives the impression that it has.

Anyway, I'll leave it at that and end off here. Thank you very much.

A: You have me grinning with delight as I read your email. You’ve just totally nailed this!

It’s quite amazing to me that without any prompting, you realized that all you ever “have” is the current thought. That’s really the nut of it, isn’t it? And describing it as a “dynamic fluidity” is really a perfect way to say it.

This fluidity is all there is, and then the currently appearing thought, with nothing around it to refer to, as you noticed. The thought passes like a cloud, leaving no trace.

That’s all of it. There’s nothing else you need to know. Every question is answered in this. But I’d be happy to correspond further if you need a little validation.

Q: Thank you for your very positive response. I think a little validation may be useful though.

However, I've been working on this email all day now, trying to frame a question and I haven't gotten very far. It seems like there is nothing I can think or say that makes any sense anymore.

“Trying to frame a question.” What is that? Isn't that just another thought? And what is a question? That too is just another thought. Does a question need an answer? If there were an answer, wouldn't that just be another thought? How would I know that this thought is the answer to that question? All I would have is an “answer thought,” which would seem to have an implied assumption of a prior question.

“Yet the sense of self seems to persist.” That the sense of self seems to persist is in itself now just a thought. And what does “persist” mean? How do I know that it persists other than by the current thought that it persists?

“There is no such thing as thought, and yet there still seems to be thought.” So what. That there is no such thing as thought is in itself now just a thought. How do I know that there is still thought, other than by the thought that there is still thought?

“I feel like there should be a full stop in here somewhere.” If there were a full stop, how would I know that, other than by the current thought, which in turn would mean there hasn't been a full stop.

“Doesn't the thinking stop?” That thinking should stop is just another thought. And how could I possibly know that thinking had stopped? If I did know that it had stopped, that would be just another thought, which would mean that thinking hadn't stopped. There's an impossible contradiction here.

“Why do I still feel like there's a me here with a life and all my problems?” How do I know that I “still feel like there's a me here” other than by the thought that there is still a me here? And how do I know that I have all these problems? Surely that's just another thought too.

“And so it's been going on and on all day – What about the stillness and silence, or identifying with awareness, or seeing that which is undeniable and just
staying there?” How do I know that it's been going on all day other than by the thought that it's been going on all day? How can I know stillness? All I could ever have is a current thought about stillness. If I were identified as awareness, how would I know that I was identified as awareness other than by a thought “I am identified as awareness,” in which case I would no longer be identified as awareness. If I even knew what “that which is undeniable” was, it would no longer be undeniable. All it would be is a current thought.

“But I know that it goes on and on by what I've written here.” That too is just another thought. And besides, all I really have here is an apparent mental image of a screen with some words on it. Who or what is it that's now going to read that mental image? The mind itself? Me? A thought is going to read a mental image? That's absurd. Awareness or Consciousness? That's equally absurd. How is awareness even going to "see" a mental image in the first place? All there is is a mental image of a screen with some words on it. And then a thought “I am reading this.” Any meaning that is gleaned from the words would be just another thought. And that there is any correlation between that thought and the words themselves is pure conjecture – just another thought. The words may as well be in Greek or Chinese – how would I know? There is absolutely no meaning inherent in these words at all. And that too is now just another thought.

“Annette, I feel like I'm really stuck here and I don't know what to do now.” Really stuck here? What is that other than another thought, and what does it mean to be stuck? How do I know that I'm “stuck”? If I knew what to do now, what would that be?

“Maybe I should just quit this whole seeking game and forget about it all.” How do I know that I was ever seeking except by the current thought that I was seeking? And how would I know that I had forgotten? All I would have is the thought that I had forgotten. And besides, how could it be forgotten if I knew that I had forgotten it?!!

“I guess there is nothing that I can really say, is there?” How do I know that there is nothing that I can really say? All there is the thought that there is nothing that I can really say. And if there is the thought that there is nothing I can say, does that actually mean that there is nothing I can say? How would I know that?

“OK. Well I guess I'll just hang out until whatever is going to happen next happens.” How will I know that what happens next is  .....?

.....etc., etc., etc.
  
A: Well, this is really excellent and you are quite the sleuth. You’re not letting any of the contents of mind go by without examination, and when examined, you have found that it’s nothing but that: contents.

Everything you say here is right. Check, check, check, and check.

Just a couple of notes:

>That thinking should stop is just another thought. And how could I possibly know that thinking had stopped? If I did know that it had stopped, that would be just another thought, which would mean that thinking hadn't stopped. There's an impossible contradiction here.

Is there?

>If I were identified as awareness, how would I know that I was identified as awareness other than by a thought "I am identified as awareness," in which case I would no longer be identified as awareness.

How do you know?

That’s all. I just wanted to make sure you’re being consistent throughout.

It’s funny, when we get to this point, there is still this lurking doubt that this is valid – even though we’re seeing it as clear as day – because of the spiritual brainwashing we’ve all been through. It seems like more than this was promised, somehow, but if you take that apart, the promise doesn’t even look good anymore. It looks like desperation and fairy tales.

Permanent bliss? Where is that? What is that? Residing always in awareness? What is that? When? When it is seen that everything passes through very quickly as current thought leaving no trace, then all the brainwashing loses its power. All those things are false, misinterpretations of what’s really going on, sold to you by people who don’t understand it. And we all bought this stuff for a long time.

Let me know if there is anything else you need.

Q: You are right, there is no contradiction. “I am thinking” .... “I am not thinking,” what's the difference? And what would "a contradiction" be anyway?

Likewise with awareness. “I am identified with awareness” or “I am not identified with awareness.” There no real difference, is there? And if there was, how would I know?

Yes. There does seem to be this lurking doubt. It's like there should be more of a final understanding. But again, what would that be? It's like there is still this wanting to "have" something or "see" or "experience" something.

But you know what? I don't feel like I need to "do" anything about it anymore. Almost like it's just too much effort. And if "I" just kind of "leave it alone" it seems to "move on" of its own accord – if that makes any sense.

I think I'm OK for now (for now?? ...pfff)

Your writings and the conversations that you've had with others that you have posted on your web site have been immensely useful. Yet it is the following of your suggestions that has really made the difference. I am deeply grateful.

Thank you very much.

A: You’re welcome. I'm going to post what we've written here, if you don't mind. I think it will be helpful for others to see the way you express it. I'm constantly amazed at the new, fresh ways people have of stating this, once they take the trouble to just look and see for themselves.

About that lurking doubt – it just appears as current thought and then is gone, and nothing of it is left. So it can be, just like anything else. It has no more significance than any other thought. Let me know if it becomes a problem – ha ha ha ha!