Resting

Q: I have looked at your website for several months now, alongside a few others – Tony Parsons, etc. – since I heard about the non-duality thing. I don't know what to write now. I have been through so many different phases of new age stuff, and non-new age stuff, but there has just been a nagging disappointment throughout. I've always thought that I take things too seriously and am a real “thinker” – always looking for rules to run my life by so that I can feel peace/happiness/do the right thing.

Anyway, so here I am now. I feel like what you are talking about is the truth, and yet my mind is going from “there's nothing you can do about enlightenment” to “well Byron Katie says that you can do x/y/z” and “maybe I should go back to that spiritual group...” to “well it's out of my control anyway so what can I do? NOTHING!” Ha ha!

Could you give me something to start with? Thoughts keep arising about how it's all pointless anyway and there's nothing I can do and I find it so confusing... and I am aware intellectually of how “I” don't exist anyway!!

Many thanks.

A: What do you think that “enlightenment” will look like when it arrives for you? What exactly will be different? Can you put a very specific face on it? Maybe you think it’s what my life is like – what do you think I experience? Or Tony Parsons? What are our lives like?

That’s a good place to start.

Q: Thank you so much for emailing last time. I read your reply and have let it simmer for a few weeks... I have been so fascinated by this over the last fifteen years and now, weirdly, I notice times when it just doesn't matter... when it's ok for things to be as they are. But I do eventually come back to it!

Having read another post on your website, I would agree that enlightenment for me would be a state of peace. It would be non-attachment to thoughts and feelings. What will be different...? The thoughts and feelings would still be there, but I would be “sitting” in a state of just peace. I guess I would be detached from them.

What are yours and Tony Parsons’ lives like? – that's a great question. It seems like nothing would actually be different, either externally or with your thoughts and feelings – you wouldn't do anything differently, say anything differently, thoughts and feelings would still arise... but (I'm having difficulty here in identifying what would be different) ...there would be a recognition that you are not the thoughts and feelings. I know that intellectually, but I don't experience it, if that makes sense?

Many thanks again and warmest wishes.

A: You mentioned that there are times it’s okay for things to be as they are, but that you eventually come back to it.

And is there a problem with “coming back to it”? What’s wrong with that? Is it a problem? Is it “better” for you to have the thought “things are okay as they are”? Why is that thought better than another thought?

You have a desire to have a state of peace. What is a “state of peace”? What does that look like?

It is helpful to answer these (very weird and) very specific questions. We are trying to uproot some assumptions you have that are the underlying cause of the suffering. It seems to be working with the people I’ve been corresponding with. It may seem like a weird request, but if you’ll play along with me and answer my questions, it will be helpful.

Q: Thank you so much for your email. These are great questions :-)

Is it a problem “coming back to it”? It's funny because now that I am considering it, it doesn't seem like it is... From all the different spiritual work I have been involved with, I am so used to thinking that “I need to improve, evolve, not have painful thoughts, integrate issues and beliefs so that I move on and don't have them any more, etc.” I'd never thought of it like “things are okay as they are” is just a thought, like “things are not okay as they are.” There's no reason that one is better than the other, is there?

The desire for a state of peace – now I'm wondering if that is just because of the conditioning that a state of peace is better than one that is troublesome, that the ultimate life would be one of just peace. In that case, someone who was always peaceful would do no harm to others and would do what is right (ego work). If I was in a constant state of peace I would be ... never agitated, never have a feeling that I don't know what to do or that there may be something wrong with me. I was going to write that I could handle anything, but then I also know that I can handle anything now because things just happen and I deal with them.

I'm wondering why I seem to be attached to some thoughts but can see others just as what they are...?

Thanks again for emailing and best wishes.

A: You did great with my first question. You are seeing that one thought is the same as the next thought – they arise and pass – but we attach importance to them, and declare one good and one bad. And then we struggle. Indeed, what is the difference between having the thought “Things are okay as they are” and the thought “Things are not okay as they are”? They both pass, and nothing was affected. Good observation on your part. Good job.

You didn’t answer my second question, which was: “What is ‘a state of peace’? What does it look like?”

And so what happened was that you started telling a story again, and started convincing yourself why it is important to have a state of peace. And of course this causes desire and suffering. But you haven’t even defined a state of peace yet, so how can you want it?

You did, however, notice that we have arbitrarily decided that peace is better than agitation or trouble. That was another very good observation.

But let’s go back to what I asked, and I want you to answer this question:

What is “a state of peace”? What does it look like? What does “state” mean? 

Q: Thanks again for emailing – really good points and you are absolutely right, I got caught up in the whole “need to get enlightened” story without answering the question. Sorry!

So what is a state of peace? What does it look like? What does “state” mean?

A state of peace is something permanent – a state means a fixed condition. I'm sensing that I can't "get" a state of peace – that peace is something that just is, it can't be a state that someone possesses or has. Which would mean that peace exists, or it doesn't. I'm trying to answer the question about what a state of peace looks like... and now I just don't know! I've got the image of Jesus in my head, but I also know that scriptures say he wasn't peaceful all the time, but he was angry, upset, emotional and so on at different times. Maybe I've had the wrong idea about what spiritual enlightenment is all along.

What a state of peace may look like – no emotions coming up, just emptiness “inside.” And I'm thinking “So what? What is the point of that?” Again I am getting the idea that it may not be preferable anyway – it's just that we have been told it is something to aim for. And I also see that an awful lot of the time there is peace anyway – that emptiness is there... that's new, I hadn't seen it like that before. Interesting! 

A: It sounds like you’ve had some good insights there. Good job. I’ll just wait until you have another question for me.

A couple of months went by...

Q: I haven't emailed you since end of November... I hope you don't mind me emailing again. I am sorry for messing around. I get so caught up in wanting to do the right thing but I want a way that is easy and doesn't involve any effort, hence I go from technique to technique.

I did have some insights back in November and then I got caught up in the whole drama again. I started thinking “well I know I am a better and nicer person if I do practice technique x and y so my ego doesn't get out of control” and then I just started doing x and y.

But what you are writing about does resonate on some level – and I know that the above is just a story!

I'm just confused over where I am – I feel like I am going round and round in circles and I want the confusion to end! I do get a sense of how thoughts are only thoughts but I don't know how to take that further. Can you help me?

Thank you very much.

A: You did great in November. No worries. Let's keep going. 

When you tell me “I don’t know how to take that further,” what do you mean? Further where? For what purpose? What will be gained?

Q: Thanks for sticking with me on this!

I had a real think about your questions. What I mean by taking it further is how do I get closer to being like (my perception of) you – to being done with all the suffering, to it just being over! All of it. That's what I mean about how can I take a practice further so that I recognize that thoughts come and they go and I detach from them. I guess my idea is that it will all be lovely and peaceful and easy when that happens and I will then be safe in a place where I can't be hurt, no matter what events happen.

But what will be gained? ... Just a different feeling, actually.

...

That's stopped me! Now I'm getting a question coming up around “is it so bad to feel sadness, pain, etc.?” and I'm wondering if it's just because I have been told “sadness is bad, feeling happiness is desirable.”

Still I am getting the question “am I any closer to getting it?”!

I think part of me wants to be one of the spiritual elite who has “got” enlightenment, but I also know that even if that was the case, thoughts and feelings would still come up. 

A: Exactly!

No matter how elite your perception of yourself becomes, you will still have thoughts and feelings arising: "Am I elite now? Did I lose it? Do they see that I have it? Does that guy understand this better than I do?"

Do you think spiritual elitism will protect you from bad feelings? No way.

So:

You asked: “Is it so bad to feel sadness, pain etc?”

Good question!

Is it so bad to feel you’re getting caught in your story?

Is it so bad to think “I’m not feeling any closer to a recognition”?

Is it so bad to have a thought “I am having a thought that I don’t want”?

Q: “Do you think spiritual elitism will protect you from bad feelings? No way.”

Right. And I can see how I would still have feelings around needing to control everything that goes on and the need to not feel bad – they would probably still be there.

“Is it so bad to feel you’re getting caught in your story?”

Well, no! It doesn't seem so, especially when I am sitting here and I don't seem to have a problem. I am feeling under pressure at work at the moment in terms of workload so I am asking myself “is it so bad to think that I am under pressure and don't have enough time?” And the answer again is no. My mind says no – it just is as it is. But then that doesn't feel congruent with my body, which doesn't seem to agree because it has all those feelings come in!

“Is it so bad to think ‘I’m not feeling any closer to a recognition’?”

It isn't. Thoughts come in around “yes but you SHOULD have a recognition, you SHOULD be able to see through this” accompanied by feelings of inadequacy, but I can accept that it is fine as it is.

“Is it so bad to have a thought ‘I am having a thought that I don’t want’?”

No, it's not so bad at all. Because they come and go and don't really stick around. They don't seem to be that important. Hmm – that rings a bell somewhere!

The questions come up – yes, but if no thought really means anything, isn't that just ultimately nihilism and leads to inaction/despair, etc.? And yet I also see that that is just another thought.

Every time a question comes up now, I just see that is another thought – a worry that this will not last, an idea that it will work now but when I get a big emotional reaction things will be different... This is really new and leaves me kind of “resting.” Thank you so much for helping me with this! I don't know what else to ask at the moment!

A: Sounds excellent. Let me know if anything comes up. Good job.