I Know That

Q: Drove down to Oklahoma a few weeks ago to visit Charlie. A good trip. Came back and did some self-inquiry.

Now I don't feel much motivated to self inquire. Don't care about  reading Wheeler-Renz-Adamson-Parsons-Gill much. But there's nothing to replace all the obsession except everyday stuff. No sense of a single penny dropping – not even the bad breath of a tiger! Not a bit of what John Wheeler writes about.

What's a guy to do – lost in the day-to-day? Quicken, Comcast bills,  writing and editing, blood pressure meds and knee stretches, going to Trader Joe's and Target. Playing ping-pong and later sipping on a  Summit India Pale Ale. Yeah, yeah, this is what is. Do I accept it? Pretty much I do.

But, but, but – it's a lot more fun to feel "spiritual"; to have that sense of non-attachment with a glimpse breezing in from time to time. Yes, I want to feel special and spiritual, to have that understanding. But I don't. Screw it! It lightly pisses me off! Damnation! What's an old guy to do?

Maybe laugh. But oh, there's still the waiting. They all say give up the quest. But then you're back at ground zero with the billions of earth people who never got into the spiritual business in the first place.

This is where I am. Who is this me? Just a blank when I ask. In this treading-water state, I'd appreciate your feedback.

A: You've described a very typical life experience, haven't you? Go here, do this, do that. What's the problem?

Q: The little guy in there who still wants spiritual stuff, even if it's more subtle than an incredible blue pearl.

A: What spiritual stuff? I'm here to tell you there isn't any spiritual stuff.

Now, if you want to just for a moment turn your attention away from all this "out there" that is being noticed (and "out there" includes your thoughts and feelings), and turn your attention back on itself, what happens? Describe your experience of that to me.

Q: Nothing. Calm. Maybe a void. A background or soundless sound.

A: This is it.

Q: Yes, I know that. 

A: No, you don’t! 

If you knew that, it would be all over, and your email would not be written. 

“This is it” means there is nothing. Full stop. 

You are saying, “ I know that, but…” The “but” is where all the trouble is. 

“This is it” is not something that calls for some further action, such as “self-inquiry” or “turning to that.” You’re adding something to it – what you need to do about it, to turn to it, or to stop, or whatever. But that’s all adding to “this.” 

Notice that when the attention is turned to itself, inwardly, there is no Wayne to turn to anything. There is only attention. Attention is empty of all phenomena. This is not about YOU turning to attention. It’s about the attention turning to itself. There is no YOU. 

Q: For a long time the instinct has been to self-inquire to keep turning  to that. Now that seems forced, and yet not doing it leaves me with the externals – the peripherals. 

A: What is going on right now? Attention on the attention itself, or attention on the outer world of you and describing what your instinct has been in the past, what you tend to do, etc.? Do you see that they are 180º opposed to each other? It’s the whole world appearing, versus that which the world is able to appear in. 

Q: Right now, it seems more natural to be with the fluff than keep trying to turn my attention to attention.

A: Of course it’s natural, to the mind! The mind is nothing but duality and suffering. Turn your attention to the attention, and see if the mind exists. See if any person, mind, fluff, or suffering exists.  

Q: I don't want to keep efforting, yet what I'm left with is the doing.  

A: What you are doing when you say this to yourself is keeping your attention on the phenomena of Wayne and his life. Wayne is left with the doing, etc. It’s just a habit to turn your attention that way, rather than inwardly, on that which is attending, or aware.  

I guess you could say it takes a little “effort” to break the habit of keeping your attention on the outer world of phenomena. But since that is all a story about how this unfolds over time, it’s not accurate. This only happens right now, as you withdraw your attention from the world and put attention on the attention itself. There is no such thing as “effort” until you make a story out of it.  

Just do this now. And I’m telling you, this is it. Now is the time; and now, all your stories about how unnatural this is do not exist. Nothing exists. I know you understand this, because you described it to me without any objections of it being difficult:  

“Nothing. Calm. Maybe a void. A background or soundless sound.”  

You see? Any further story of difficulty you put on that is just some mental noise, some expectation that there has to be more to it than this. There is no more to it than this. Nothing. Calm. Maybe a void. Soundless sound. Beautifully put. This is it.  
Stop right now and notice the peace of this. Let it settle in for a moment. Your mind will want to take off again, but notice that in attention, it’s not even happening. It’s happening “out there” only. Attention doesn’t care about “out there.” It is only on itself.  

So now, do you see why “This is it” is a statement that has no “but”?  

Q: I think that the knowing you talk about is the key, and yet it isn’t up to me. It happens or it doesn’t.

A: This "knowing" I talk about is not something you don't already know. I'm not saying "Once you know this..." or "When you come to know this..."  I'm saying, You already know this ordinary awareness.  Every time you notice it, it's: Ahh, peace. Never changing. You know that. You described it to me yourself. That's the knowing I'm talking about. It doesn’t have to “happen.” There is nothing to happen.

There is no carrot on a stick. You already have this, and you always did. It's the end. No more to "know." So can you still say “It happens or it doesn’t”? What do you think is supposed to happen?