The Goodies Go

Q: I've been having experiences over the past ten or twelve years... I finally discovered that much of what I was experiencing seemed to be kundalini events. ...I knew that the body was just a vehicle through which the Divine experienced life and added to its wisdom. I was aware that there was no "me" – no separateness – and it was the only time I have ever felt so totally safe, loved, and complete. And I was simply awareness.

[Detailed descriptions of mystical experiences have been omitted here.] ...Since that time, I have periods that come and go. At times I am again just awareness, with no judgments, no attachment to thoughts. There have been a few times where all I could feel was love, and coincidentally, during those periods, people at work would stop and stare at me quizzically and tell me that I appeared to be glowing. None of these things stay with me. When I'm in one of those “zones,” things happen almost magically, the synchronicity is so perfect.

...Most noticeable to me is that during these times, there is no suffering. After having endured an abusive childhood that left painful repeating patterns in my adult life, living in the absence of emotional suffering would be a blessing. Just having these sporadic episodes without the pain spurs me on in my quest to reside in the place of peace on a daily basis.

A: These things unfold as they will. Right now, it seems that you are pretty caught up in identifying with these past mystical and blissful experiences, and that’s fine. Maybe after a while, these things will lose their appeal, as being just part of a story of a non-existent person. You really can’t rush that. At this point, you have no impetus whatsoever to stop being fascinated with those experiences, because you see no harm in that.

But at some point, you may begin to get a notion that it is fascination with the story of experiences that causes the suffering. There’s nothing I can say that will get you to see that. It’s an inner discovering, and no one can do that but you, on your own time.

You are interested in wanting to reside in a place of peace. That’s fine. But you’re not aware right now that what you are asking for is not possible as long as you are fascinated with things that belong to the person and the body, like synchronicity, kundalini, any of it. It is believed by seekers that they can have all the goodies of their story, and also the peace of not believing oneself to be that person. This is not possible. The goodies of the story go. Every bit of fascination with the person goes. And this is the peace. Nisargadatta says, “Happiness is never your own; it is where the ‘I’ is not.”

Just let things be as they are. Everyone wants peace, everyone wants an end to their suffering. Some people follow non-dual pointers that direct them to look at this which wants peace, and they eventually drop all identification with the stuff of the body and the personal self. Some people are shown the pointers and don’t follow them. Who knows what you will do? You can’t know.

So since you probably wrote me so I’d provide a pointer, here it is: Notice that which is not part of this dream story at all. What was watching as you went through all these experiences you describe to me? What was watching as you described them to me? What is watching as you read this now, and what is noticing the various feelings that arise? This which is watching is not temporary. It never changes. It is outside the story which is constantly changing – it is watching your seeking of a more peaceful life, and it is even watching your mind-blowing experiencing of divine union! – just watching, with nothing to do, nothing to gain. Not affected even by those experiences of blissful merging with Oneness. Not concerned.

Notice that which sees your interest in having some of these magical experiences come again, last longer, become your reality, or solve the problems for the person. Notice that which is not a person, and needs no problems solved, no zones or magical anything. Notice that which is unmoved, but is never absent.

The solution has nothing to do with this whole story of the personal you. The answer is not found within that dream story. Nothing that happens inside that dream story fixes anything. Notice that which is outside the story, and sees it all unfolding without even a point of view. Notice it right now. It is peaceful.

The person goes. All interest in spiritual experiences goes. My interest in your personal story is nil. I only have an interest in pointing out to you that it is all false, all pointless to even think about. The peace is in that – in the negation of the story and the person.

So if you are so inclined, just keep negating your personal story. You may not be motivated to do that, and that’s fine. You’re not doing any of it anyway. It’s happening on its own.

“You” can’t find peace. You can only negate the person who is looking for it.