Where’s My New Doll?

Q: My life doesn't seem to have any life to it anymore. I feel like it's slowly dying, this life that I call me. I feel like my life as Sasha is fading away, but I can't find anything solid to hold on to. I know I'm not really Sasha the person, but I don't know what I am, either. And it feels so lonely, for lack of a better word.

I read, I listen to people talk, hoping that something will reveal to me what I truly am. I keep searching and searching, but I feel so desperate.  

A friend told me something one time: she said you don't take a rag doll away from a child unless you have one to give back.  Well, I feel like life as I've known it for forty-eight years is being taken away and nothing is here to replace it.

A: I know what you're talking about, and this is not uncommon. But keep in mind that all of your evaluation of your life is being done from the standpoint of the “I.” You’ll never stop suffering, looking at it that way; nothing ever satisfies that “I.” Sometimes, for a little while, when events in the life resemble the fantasy, the “I” will quit squawking temporarily; but as soon as the events revert to “unwanted” ones, “I” is immediately unhappy again… and on it goes forever.

So the “I” in your case has a fantasy about knowing who you truly are, having a good experience, having a super-duper new “you” (shiny new doll) to replace the one that seems lifeless now, and having some secret truth revealed to you. These terms are not being met, and so the “I” is unhappy. You feel like there is an unhappy “you” that needs something.

Look again. What is present right now? What do you notice right now as being present? You can probably say that there are some uncomfortable feelings, and fears or disorientation about losing something you’re familiar with, right? And how do you know you’re feeling these things? What is noticing that you are feeling something?

Something is aware that these feelings have arisen. The feelings that arise as you read this reply are different from the feelings you had when you wrote the email. So the feelings have changed, but has the quality of your awareness of them changed? 

When you notice what is present right now, what is the quality of that noticing? Is the noticing judgmental in any way? The noticing of the feeling states that arise – does this noticing have a point of view about the feelings? Or is it solidly and reliably impartial and welcoming towards whatever arises?

We’re not talking about the feelings that arise. The feelings and thoughts that arise are never impartial or welcoming; they can’t be, because they arise from a belief that there is something separate, fending for itself. But forget the thoughts and feelings for now.

They are being noticed, and this noticing is all that is present. It’s all that you know for sure. Is it important what the thoughts and feelings are? Does it matter what is being noticed? The content of “noticing” is constantly shifting and changing: you were a little anxious when you wrote the email, but then maybe you read something that gave you a recognition of some truth that blew all that anxiety away – and hooray! Now you feel good. But wait a day or two and the anxiety returns, always. What doesn’t come and go is the noticing. So the answer is, no, it doesn’t matter what is being noticed.

Just look for yourself, presently. Do you notice the thoughts and feelings? Do you notice yourself looking for a noticer? And how do you know that any of this is going on? It is being noticed. Even the thought that noticing is happening is being noticed.

Do you need to be aware of the noticing? Well, you are aware – you can’t help it. Noticing is happening, and it’s impossible to be unaware of. So, there is nothing to do – it’s already being done, just as you believe you want it to be done. You already are noticing, you already are aware, just now, presently, eternally.

So, now look at your question again. Do you see how the questions about Sasha’s perception of her life are all being noticed, without judgment, without a point of view? The feelings about her life are loaded with value judgment, but the noticing is free of all judging, free of all value. And so, in the simple, present noticing of the questions asked, is there a problem? Do any of the problems need to be resolved? What would a resolution look like? Would it not be just another set of feeling states? You want to say, “Now I feel good.” But if you felt good, would the noticing of the feeling have been affected?

This noticing is like a mirror. The mirror reflects reality without judging or changing it in any way. Is the mirror lonely? Or is the mirror – clear of all feeling states – free to simply reflect?

YOU are the mirror. Notice the life you know is not yours, and see it as the mirror sees it, with no need to change a single thing about it. Be free of what goes on in the life. You are the noticing, and that never changes.